LAND OF THE LOST, going over like a pregnant pole-vaulter

Earlier in the week, I posted a sampling of The Hangover‘s reviews thus far that tallied the feelings at 100% “fresh” (15 out of 15) on the Rotten Tomatoes meter. Today, on the eve of it’s drop-date, The Hangover is currently at 81% (26 for 32 positive), still rather impressive for a quote-unquote “gross-out dude comedy.” All of the pre-release hype about this one being the summer’s lo-fi breakout comedy seems to materializing nicely after all.

Unfortunately for our boy Will Ferrell, similar luck is not afoot. 19 reviews in so far, Land of the Lost has earned only one positive assessment, for a sad, sad average of 5%. Can’t say that I’m totally shocked—-this movie has looked like disappointing poo from day one, so much so that not even the co-starring presence of Danny McBride would be able to perform a scene-steal and rescue. I don’t even think that Semi-Pro, Ferrell’s biggest piece of excrement, received reviews this harsh.

If the guy is smart, he’ll use this critical drubbing to make Anchorman 2 a reality with haste. After the jump, a compilation of some Land of the Lost lashing:

Let’s just get the film’s lone “good review” out of the way…..it comes from Armond White of the New York Press:

“Time-warp jokes mixing historical anachronisms with contemporary product placement recall SNL sketch writing, but Welch sets mall-culture detritus in an interplanetary/desert setting with three moons, bug-eyed aliens and dinosaurs that spark folkloric imagination: Golden Gate Bridge, Statue of Liberty, Big Boy sign, hip-hop limousine, rollercoaster, even Cadillac Ranch with lime green and purple Caddies next to a drive-in-movie screen.These are all more expressive than the scaled-down global icons in Zhang Ke- Jia’s dull art movie The World.In this post-TV remake, “Lost” means gone, as in nostalgia.This touching idea is not fully developed, and director Brad Silberling’s action editing is always behind the beat (diminishing the intended parody of what people misread in the Indiana Jones movies).Yet pop-culture affection is felt consistently from Ferrell’s homages— to both A Chorus Line and Cher’s “Believe”—to McBride (the white Mike Epps) enjoying a time-warp benefit that could have come from a classic Hope-Crosby road movie.”

 

Danny McBride is “the white Mike Epps”…..really? Has this guy not see a single episode of Eastbound & Down? A Mike Epps parallel is a diss, not a compliment. Epps is the Captain Obvious of comedic co-starring (I seriously telegraphed every one of his punchlines in Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins—-not something I was proud of, mind you). No wonder I’ve never enjoyed Armond White’s writing.

Now, on to the bitch-slapping. First, James Berardinelli of ReelViews:

“What were they thinking? Not only does the concept of re-imagining a campy Saturday morning TV show as a Will Ferrell “family-friendly” big-budget movie sound bad, it is bad. A turd of T-Rex proportions, Land of the Lost makes one remember last summer’s Speed Racer fondly. At least that movie was so over-the-top that it was trippy. This movie is dull, unfunny (every remotely amusing bit is in the theatrical trailer), and completely unsuitable for viewing by anyone who isn’t a charter member of the Will Farrell fan club. It’s as if someone gave Ferrell a rejected script for Jurassic Park IV and he decided to infuse it with “comedic” shtick that doesn’t work and throw in a few nods to the ’70s TV series. The result might be painful if it wasn’t so sleep inducing. I have often said that if I ever walk out on a movie, it won’t be something truly awful, but one that stagnates in the belly of mediocrity. I nearly walked out on Land of the Lost. A part of me wishes I had done so.”

“Tell ’em why you mad, son!” Or, better yet, just pass the mic to veteran critic Marshall Fine, from his blog Hollywood & Fine:

”

OK, I’m big enough to admit when I’m wrong. I apologize to “Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian.” It’s not the most witless, humor-challenged movie of the summer. The winner and new champion: “Land of the Lost.” At least there’s truth in advertising. See it and you lose your time, the money you spent on a ticket and, perhaps, the ability to walk upright without dragging your knuckles on the ground.

Abandon hope, all ye who enter. With this film, Will Ferrell officially signals the end of his 15 minutes. Indeed, if it weren’t for Matt Lauer, there’d be nary a laugh at all in this excruciatingly lazy and unnecessary film. I repeat: The biggest laughs belong to Matt Lauer.

…….

I propose that there should be criminal penalties for wasting $100 million on a movie this dreadful. Maybe someone can implement Hollywood’s version of the hockey penalty box for actors and directors who knowingly make one. Sorry, Will, you’ve got to sit the next one out.

How could they not know? Probably they didn’t notice because they were too busy standing around on the set, cracking each other up and congratulating themselves on what comic geniuses they are, while collecting massive paychecks. The movie is filled with weak ad-libs, by Ferrell and costar Danny McBride – which makes you wonder how bad the script was, if they thought this stuff was funnier.

Perhaps 8-year-olds will laugh at the slapdash tale of a scientist whose invention (which plays the soundtrack of “A Chorus Line” as a running joke) sends him and two companions into another dimension, populated by extras from the opening scenes of “2001” and an army of the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Perhaps.

But do we really want to start lowering the standards and expectations of America’s youth at such an impressionable age? Never mind the foul language, the excrement jokes, the limp bawdiness. This movie should carry a warning that says:

‘CAUTION! This film may be hazardous to your child’s taste in comedy.'”

Jesus……my plans for a time-killing Land of the Lost matinee have officially been scrapped. I’ll just save the pennies, thank you. As if the wounds weren’t large enough already, here’s Billy Goodykoontz (nice name) of Arizona Republic with a still-negative opinion, just expressed with a tad more sympathy:

“You take your victories where you find them.

“Land of the Lost,” for instance, is a monumentally stupid movie — in fact, calling it a movie at all is somewhat misleading; it’s mostly an extended skit that allows Will Ferrell and Danny McBride to bounce comedic riffs off one another, using the occasional bit of dinosaur waste product for props. Director Brad Silberling never finds the right tone; many of the bits are far too adult for children, yet no adult with a brain bigger than a walnut — inside joke the filmmakers evidently thought was hilarious — would find the story the least bit compelling.

But there’s this: It’s almost certainly not as awful as you’d think. Of course, you’d think that a movie starring Ferrell based on the Sid and Marty Krofft show about time travel from the ’70s would be awful, indeed. That there are any laughs at all is something of a victory.”

Okay, I think we all get the point. Land of the Lost, as far as film critics are concerned, is terrible. Sorry, all you Will Ferrell apologists out there. The guy needs an intervention. Or to give John C. Reilly a call and start working on Step Brothers 2. Now that’s a funny movie.

My advice: stay home this weekend and rent Step Brothers once you’ve see The Hangover.

LINKS:

 
Rotten Tomatoes — Land of the Lost (2009)
New York Press
ReelViews
Marshall Fine
Arizona Republic