Every other classic-to-semi-classic television show is being developed into a feature film (including T.J. Hooker, seriously), so it should come as no surprise that Baywatch is next on the block. Frankly, I can’t believe this hasn’t been done already. Alas, Jeremy Garelick, the screenwriter responsible for the marginally-amusing The Break-Up, has officially signed on to both write and direct a Baywatch rebirth, one that he reportedly plans to resuscitate as an action comedy ensemble piece, something in the vein of the old Police Academy films. In fact, dude admits to having never even watched Baywatch (he’s that one guy, apparently). Which is a very good thing, because—-not that this is a shocking statement—Baywatch was a real piece of ish, quality wise. Other than the body-hotties, the show sucked. Terrible storylines, mediocre acting. Took itself far too seriously at times.
So Garelick’s idea could result in a franchise full of good times and bikini-clad beauties—–bring that on, Hollywood. This has me thinking, though…. Who should Garelick try to cast as his modern-day “CJ” (Pamela Anderson), or whatever the other girls’ characters names were (Traci Bingham was my personal favorite). To keep things all the way real, the odds of any A-list names attaching themselves to a Baywatch film seems about as realistic as The Real World. With that in mind, my nominees have all been handpicked from the “B-list or lower” pool, where bikinis come in handy, naturally. The intention, to give this dream cast a multi-cultural feel, more than simply hot blondes and fake-chested brunettes.
**Pardon me while I get a bit chauvinistic/misogynistic for a moment** May I present to you, Theater of Mine‘s top choices for the in-development Baywatch film’s young lady cast members [See the choices, after the jump]:
I nearly went with smaller sizes for these pics, but these are some of the hottest shots that I’ve dug up online in a long time. Shrinking them in any way would be a cyber crime worthy of lifelong imprisonment.
Now, on with the selections….. Theater of Mine’s Top Five Actresses That Should Be In The Just-Announced Baywatch Film
1) Rachel Nichols: If you’ve ever suffered through the excruciatingly-bad horror flick P2, you know just how powerful this on-the-rise redhead can be for a film. I actually paid money to see that mess in a theater, and the only thing that kept me from walking out in head-shaking shame was the opportunity to stare at Nichols in a wet, tight dress for over an hour. Just call me Shallow Matt, like I care. Her Hollywood stock should rise slightly with next month’s potential blockbuster G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, in which she plays good-girl Scarlett. A credibility-filled career arch a la Rachel Mcadams doesn’t seem to be in this lady’s cards, so going the sexpot Baywatch route seems like a nice, smart fit.
2) Dania Ramirez: I hate to be the harbinger of career-paralysis, but Ramirez’s future seems even more lowbrow than that of Nichols. Giving the Baywatch movie some scorching Latina flavor could be the move that catapults her from “that hot chick with questionable acting skills on Heroes” into mainstream-audience-lust levels that could rival early Jennifer Lopez.
3) Meagan Good: This one seems like an obvious choice…. Just brave The Love Guru to see how well Good wears a bathing suit. Other than her small but effective role in the beloved indie noir flick Brick, Good hasn’t been able to attach herself to a commercially-viable project that she’s able to breakthrough with—–in Saw V, she was just another nameless casualty, and The Unborn came and went, leaving a stain smeared across 2009’s horror drawers. The thing is, Good isn’t that bad of an actress; she’s arguably more charismatic and charming than most A-list ladies in the game. If Baywatch ends up being a full-on action comedy, something tells me that Good could kill it.
4) Danneel Harris: She of nearly-flawless physique and One Tree Hill notoriety. Harris has co-starred in a bunch of forgettable lowest-common-denominator comedy drivel (see 2008’s Fired Up), but she does have one successful film under her unnecessary-to-wear belt—-Harold and Kumar escape from Guantanamo Bay, where she played Kal Penn’s old flame about to be married to that douchebag. She performed ably enough in that hit sequel, but her most eye-opening moment came when she hosted this year’s VH1-aired/Maxim-overseen countdown of the game’s hottest females (I forgot the special’s exact name, but that description describes it well enough). Each segment found Harris sporting a new bikini, and all were glorious. Exactly the looks that would enhance a Baywatch flick.
5) Jamie Chung: Remember her from MTV’s The Real World: San Diego? Well, completely out of left field, she’s become a fulltime working actress, with only the flop Dragonball Z film Dragonball Evolution to claim thus far. She has a couple of interesting projects on deck, however—-the upcoming horror/slasher remake Sorority Row (which I’m ashamed to say that I’m totally excited for) and the first original, all-his-own-idea film from Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen), the all-female hardcore action extravaganza Sucker Punch. She seems fine with going all-out sexy—-I’d love to see how she looks in that vintage red one-piece.
Honorable Mention…….Kourtney Kardashian: In no way, shape or form am I saying that Kim’s hotter sister should ever actually pursue an acting career. Hell no. I’ve just been unable to shake the following picture from my thoughts since I came across it last week, a snapshot from the set of a Keeping Up With the Kardashians promo commercial. Whatever your feelings are about her family, there’s no denying that Kourtney is one of the best things to happen to the two-piece bikini since Halle Berry in 2002’s Die Another Day. At least in this picture. Great enough to merely wonder what she could do in the Baywatch red look. **Definitely not proud of myself right now, by the way.**
There we have it, my top five choices. Anybody else have some ideas? If so, do drop them below.